Now, having coached hundreds of men in both one-on-one and group settings, I have found that most of these men – particularly recovering Nice Guys – also experience the same feeling of guilt. 

But there are actually two kinds of guilt: Healthy Guilt and Unhealthy Guilt. Unhealthy Guilt is sometimes referred to as neurotic guilt or toxic guilt. 

In this article, we’ll take a brief look at Healthy Guilt vs. Unhealthy Guilt so you can distinguish between the two and let go of the guilt that isn’t serving you. Knowing how to figure out the difference can be essential to maintaining your emotional well-being. 

WHAT IS HEALTHY GUILT?

Healthy guilt is just that. It’s healthy.  It’s rational. It’s – as it is often called – appropriate guilt. It’s that feeling you get when you know you’ve done something wrong or when you know – without a doubt – that you’ve truly hurt someone. 

Healthy Guilt is your conscience. 

Responsible, caring people often feel guilty. They have a voice in their head that tells them they’ve done wrong, and they need to do better next time. 

Healthy guilt is important. 

When you experience healthy guilt, it means you do in fact have a conscience. It means you have empathy. It means you’re not a psychopath. 

WHAT IS UNHEALTHY GUILT?

Unhealthy guilt on the other hand is guilt that results from telling yourself you’ve done something wrong when you haven’t done anything wrong at all. 

Constantly suffering from Unhealthy Guilt may be the result of your childhood experience. For example, if your parents repeatedly blamed others – or made them responsible – for their problems, you may have developed an overly guilty conscience early on. 

Or maybe during your childhood there was an adult in your life who was relentlessly critical of you. This may have caused you to develop a large degree of self-doubt and carry it with you into adulthood. 

When you have unhealthy guilt, you tend to feel like you’re the cause of other people’s emotions or circumstances, even when you’re not the cause and have no control over the situation. 

Again, Unhealthy Guilt is the constant feeling that you’ve done something wrong when you’ve actually done nothing wrong.. 

THE EFFECTS OF UNHEALTHY GUILT 

Unhealthy Guilt has a host of negative effects and consequences – which is why it’s so unhealthy. 

Constantly feeling responsible for other people’s feelings can lead to a level of neuroticism that becomes toxic. So, you can see why Unhealthy Guilt is also called neurotic guilt or toxic guilt.

Here are some of the most pernicious effects of Unhealthy Guilt:

• It can lead to excessive people-pleasing behavior.  If you suffer from Unhealthy Guilt, you’re likely already a people-pleaser. But feeling like you’re the cause of other peoples’ problems can lead you to work even harder to solve their problems while sacrificing your own needs. This just leads to more suffering.
• It can exacerbate your toxic shame. Unhealthy Guilt can make you feel worse about yourself, and continually beat yourself up. This is especially harmful if you already feel like you’re not enough – which is the core of toxic shame. 
• It can lead to depression. In fact, Unhealthy Guilt and depression often go hand-in-hand. 
• It can prevent you from setting boundaries. Even though setting boundaries is an appropriate and healthy thing to do, Unhealthy Guilt can make you think that setting boundaries is mean or unloving. 

GUILT & NICE GUY SYNDROME

Nice Guys in particular inaccurately internalized the beliefs that they aren’t good enough and that they need to do everything right. Nice Guys have crippling toxic shame and toxic perfectionism, which often results in Unhealthy Guilt. 

Many men, particularly recovering Nice Guys, live with constant guilt, as if they are doing something wrong.   

This is likely because becoming an Integrated Man requires you to stop pleasing others all the time and start doing things for yourself. 

If you do something for yourself with no intent to harm anyone and someone gets hurt because you’re doing what you want instead of what they want, there’s no reason for you to feel guilty. 

But Nice Guys have been employing their Nice Guy strategies for so long that once they stop they feel like they’re doing something wrong or that they’re hurting others. 

Please know that you are not doing anything wrong by becoming an Integrated Man.  

There’s no reason to feel guilty for:

• Making your own needs a priority
• Embracing your masculinity
• Embracing your sexuality
• Doing nice things for yourself
• Setting boundaries
• Setting goals and accomplishing them
• Anything else required to abolish your Nice Guy Syndrome and become an Integrated Man.  

Becoming an Integrated Man means becoming more confident, more resilient, more loving, more honest, and more authentic. 

Anyone who resents you for becoming an Integrated Man is likely someone you shouldn’t have in your life anyway. 

LETTING GO OF UNHEALTHY GUILT

If Unhealthy Guilt is hard-wired into you – if you constantly feel like you’re the cause of other people’s problems – rest assured: This is something you can conquer. 

Here are a few strategies for letting go of unhealthy guilt:

• Be mindful of the way you are feeling. Check your guilt. Ask yourself: Am I actually doing anything wrong here? Am I intentionally doing this to harm others?  If you come to the conclusion that your guilt is rational, then own up to your behavior, make amends, and move on. But odds are your guilt is unhealthy, neurotic, and toxic. 
• Talk to safe people. Hopefully you have a coach, a therapist, or a men’s group. Talk to these people about your guilt. More than likely, they’ll confirm that it’s Unhealthy Guilt. 
• Step outside yourself.  Imagine your best friend was having the same experience. What would you tell them?
• Practice setting boundaries. Don’t let anyone treat you badly. Boundaries are a hallmark of maturity. They can actually lead others into their own higher consciousness and into deeper connection with you. 

And remember, we are all wounded, imperfect human beings. You are never going to do everything right. You are never going to do everything perfectly. We all mistakes. 

As long as you’re conscious, your mistakes can only be learning experiences. And your guilt – healthy or unhealthy – can be a good thing. Particularly if you can distinguish between the two types of guilt and use your guilt to grow. 

Tony

Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.

www.tonyendelman.com

The post Healthy Guilt vs. Unhealthy Guilt: What You Should Know appeared first on The Integrated Man Cave.

Session after session, Dr. Glover heard things like: Why isn’t my wife nice to me when I am so nice to her? It’s never enough. I just want to be appreciated. Why doesn’t she want to have sex anymore? And why is she so damn angry all the time? 

It didn’t take long for Dr. Glover to realize that droves of other men were following a life script similar to his. Men who go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. Men who constantly seek approval from others, neglect their own needs, sacrifice their personal power, and suppress their masculinity. Men who are especially concerned with pleasing women.

Men who rarely, if ever, stand up for themselves. Men who are frustrated and resentful, constantly struggling to experience the happiness they believe they deserve. 

These men suffer from an anxiety and shame-based disorder that has become all too common. 

Yes, these men suffer from the Nice Guy Syndrome, and they have bought into a myth.

HAVEN’T READ NO MORE MR. NICE GUY?

Nice Guys believe that if they are good and do everything right, they will be loved, their needs will be met, and they will live a smooth, problem-free life. When this strategy inevitably fails to produce the desired results, Nice Guys just try harder, employing the same tactics over and over again. Einstein would call this f*cking insanity.

So let’s take a deep dive into the Nice Guy Syndrome. Let’s talk about what it is, how it came to be, what’s wrong with it, and how you can start to overcome it.

WHO IS THE NICE GUY?

The Nice Guy is everywhere. You probably know at least one or two quintessential Nice Guys. Hell, you’re probably a Nice Guy yourself if you’re reading this.

So, who is the Nice Guy? Well…

• He is the husband who lets his wife run the show.
• He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, even though his own life is a fucking mess.
• He is the man who frustrates his significant other because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved.
• He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then changes courses to please someone else.
• He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
• He is the man who will never say NO or tell anyone if they are imposing on him.
• He is the man whose life seems so under control, until…BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

CHARACTERISTICS OF NICE GUYS

Most Nice Guys possess many if not all of the following characteristics.

• They are givers. Nice Guys frequently say they are happiest when they are making others happy. 
• They fix and caretake. If someone has a problem, Nice Guys will attempt to solve it, often without being asked. 
• They constantly seek approval from others. Nice Guys say or do things to either gain approval or avoid disapproval.
• They avoid conflict. Nice Guys want their lives to be smooth and problem-free. They won’t do anything that might upset anyone. 
• They hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. Nice Guys believe that if they expose any shortcomings, others will get mad at them, shame them, or worse.
• They try to do everything right. Nice Guys believe this is the key to having a problem-free life: If they do everything “right” then nothing should go wrong.
• They repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They go to great lengths to try to keep their feelings at bay.
• They try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, passive, absent, angry, alcoholic, or philandering fathers. These Nice Guys usually decide to be completely different from the men who raised them. 
• They relate more to women than men. Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have very few male friends. They seek the approval of women while convincing themselves they are different from other men. 
• They put the needs of others before their own. Nice Guys believe it is selfish to put their own needs first. 
• They make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys put tremendous energy into their intimate relationships, believing that happiness lies in making their partner happy. 

THE ORIGIN OF THE NICE GUY SYNDROME: HOW NICE GUYS ARE MADE

Everyone comes into this life as a dependent, needy little baby. Surely this isn’t news to you. But there’s a lot more to the story.

Because babies rely on others to meet their needs in timely and judicious ways, they have an overwhelming fear of abandonment. For babies, abandonment means death. And yet, every baby experiences some degree of abandonment:  

He is hungry and nobody feeds him. 

He cries and nobody holds him.

He is lonely and nobody pays attention to him.

Furthermore, babies are inherently narcissistic and grandiose. They believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them – bad or good. As their little baby brains develop, babies think they are the center of the Universe. (Yes, some very annoying adults still think this way. I’m looking at you, Kanye West.) 

The human brain is home to a collection of nuclei called the amygdala. You’ve likely heard of it. It is only about the size of your fingernail, but it plays a critical role in emotion and behavior.

The amygdala is perhaps best known for processing fear and controlling your fight-flight-freeze response. It also stores your internalized beliefs and memories. Theoretically, everything you experienced as a child is stored in your amygdala as emotional memory – you can’t find words or pictures for these experiences, but the emotions are there.  

The amygdala is basically your emotional operating system; it is hard-wired into every other part of your brain. Your current beliefs about yourself and the world are directly controlled and influenced by the amygdala. This is true for every adult. And every adult has created a persona based on their early life experiences.

Nice Guys are certainly no exception.

The Nice Guy inaccurately internalized his childhood abandonment experiences and developed the belief that he is bad, defective, and unlovable. In other words, as Dr. Glover often points out, the Nice Guy believes he is not okay just as he is.

The Nice Guy’s amygdala seems to contain a roadmap for life that reads: I must become what I think others want me to be and I must hide anything that might cause others to reject me. This is the foundation for what is known as toxic shame and it wreaks havoc on the lives of Nice Guys.

Because Nice Guys inaccurately internalize their childhood abandonment experiences, they develop survival mechanisms to help them do three things: (1) cope with the pain from these experiences, (2) prevent these kinds of experiences from happening again, and (3) hide their toxic shame from themselves and others.

These survival mechanisms lead Nice Guys to live by the following paradigm: If I can become what I think others want me to be and hide anything that might cause others to reject me, then I will be loved, my needs will be met, and I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

Even though it is based on the faulty interpretation of childhood events, this paradigm controls everything Nice Guys do in adulthood.

THE TWO TYPES OF NICE GUYS

After years of working with Nice Guys, Dr. Glover began to see that their survival mechanisms generally manifest in one of two ways, creating two types of Nice Guys:

• The I’m So Bad Nice Guy believes he is the worst kind of person. He is convinced that everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior that he exhibited in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. He tells tales of smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. He is convinced that happiness lies in trying to mask how bad he is.
• The I’m So Good Nice Guy believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of his perceived flaws, he will work to correct them. As a child, he never caused any problems. As a teenager, he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules.  He masks his toxic shame with the notion that all the wonderful things he does make him a good person. 

While the two types of Nice Guys may differ in the ways they try to mask their toxic shame, they both operate from the same life paradigm. And both believe they are not okay just as they are. Dr. Glover only makes the distinction between the two types of Nice Guys to help each see their distortions more clearly. Neither is as bad or as good as they believe themselves to be. They are merely wounded souls, navigating the world with an outdated and inaccurate roadmap.

20th CENTURY HISTORY & THE NICE GUY SYNDROME

Nice Guys have probably always existed to some degree. As Dr. Glover affirms, “It is unlikely that there has ever been a notable shortage of mama’s boys and henpecked husbands.” But after working with countless men, women, and couples, Dr. Glover concluded that it is most likely a series of social changes and events – beginning around the turn of the century and accelerating after WWII – that produced the unprecedented number of Nice Guys we see today.

These social changes and events include:

• The transition from an agrarian to an industrial economy
• The migration of families from rural areas to urban areas
• The growing absence of fathers from the home
• An increase in divorce, single parent homes, and female-headed homes
• An educational system dominated by women
• Women’s liberation and the rise of feminism 
• The Vietnam War
• The Sexual Revolution

Today, one can clearly see that the Nice Guy Syndrome didn’t begin or end with the Baby Boomers. In fact, Nice Guy conditioning is more prevalent now than ever before.

Masses of young men in their late teens, twenties, and thirties all exhibit the characteristics and behaviors that define the Nice Guy Syndrome. Nice Guy fathers raised Nice Guy sons who will create more little Nice Guys – and the process will likely repeat itself again and again.

When Dr. Glover wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy in 2003, he suspected that the third generation of Nice Guys was just beginning. He now suspects that Nice Guys will be here for generations to come

WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING A NICE GUY?

First of all, please know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice to others. It will serve you well to go through life as a decent human being.

But there is a stark difference between being a nice person and being a “Nice Guy” as Dr. Glover defines it. In fact, the term Nice Guy is a misnomer because Nice Guys are anything but nice.    

• Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They hide their mistakes, repress their feelings, and say what they think other people want to hear. 
• Nice guys are secretive. Because they are so desperate for approval, they hide anything that might upset anyone. Nice Guys live by the motto: If at first you don’t succeed, hide the evidence. 
• Nice Guys compartmentalize. They are highly adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves. A married Nice Guy, for example, might create his own definition of fidelity, allowing him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary because he never put his penis inside her vagina. 
• Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have difficulty making their own needs a priority and asking for they want in clear and direct ways. They frequently resort to manipulation when trying to fulfill their needs. 
• Nice Guys are controlling. Because they have an overwhelming desire to live smooth, problem-free lives, Nice Guys try to control the people and things around them. 
• Nice Guys give to get. While they tend to be generous, Nice Guys rarely give without unspoken strings attached – particularly when they give to women. They want appreciation, attention, and affection. Nice Guys are perpetually frustrated and resentful because they give so much and seemingly get so little in return. 
• Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. They tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect and not-so-nice ways. 
• Nice Guys are full of rage. They might deny ever getting angry, but a lifetime of built-up frustration and resentment creates a highly unstable pressure cooker. Nice Guys often erupt in rage at some of the most unexpected and inappropriate times. 
• Nice Guys are addictive. Because they keep so much bottled up inside, Nice Guys often develop addictions to self-medicate and relieve stress. Addiction to porn and masturbation is not uncommon. 
• Nice Guys don’t set boundaries. They have a hard time saying ‘no.’ They play the role of helpless victim and see others as the cause of their problems. 
• Nice Guys isolate. They desire to be liked and loved, but their behaviors make it difficult for others to get close to them. 
• Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing. They spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises. This is likely due to their constant need for approval. 
• Nice Guys have problems with intimacy. They are terrible listeners. Their fear of conflict keeps them from working all the way through a problem. And they tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness. 
• Nice Guys have problems with sexuality. Almost every Nice Guy is completely dissatisfied with his sex life. Many have a sexual dysfunction or some sort of sexual compulsion. 
• Nice Guys are rarely successful. Most Nice Guys are talented and intelligent with a lot to offer the world. But they never live up to their potential. 
• Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters. This is especially true when their paradigms are challenged. Even though the Nice Guy paradigm is ineffective and leads Nice Guys to exhibit the behaviors described in this chapter, it is difficult for Nice Guys to consider doing something different. By doing something different, however, Nice Guys can transform themselves into empowered, authentic, and happy men

THE OPPOSITE OF A NICE GUY

Contrary to what many think when they first pick up or hear about No More Mr. Nice Guy, the book is not about being unkind. The opposite of a Nice Guy is not a jerk. The opposite of a Nice Guy is an Integrated Man. 

Being an Integrated Man means being able to accept all aspects of yourself. 

• An Integrated Man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion, as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side. 
• An Integrated Man has a strong sense of self. 
• An Integrated Man takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.
• An Integrated Man is comfortable with his masculinity and sexuality.
• An Integrated Man has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.
• An Integrated Man is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.
• An Integrated Man is clear and direct. He expresses his feelings with confidence. 
• An Integrated Man can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or people-pleasing.
• An Integrated Man knows how to set boundaries. He is not afraid to work through conflict. 

An Integrated Man doesn’t strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others. He feels good about himself from the inside out. He seeks to improve himself – not so others will like him, but because he knows he can add value to the world. 

OVERCOMING NICE GUY SYNDROME

Are there obvious signs you have Nice Guy Syndrome? Overcoming – or breaking free – from the Nice Guy Syndrome requires a radical change in behavior and perspective. It requires doing something different and facing your fears. It will also affect your personal relationships. While the people in your life will be supportive of you making positive changes, they may initially be confused. That’s okay. 

The first step to overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome is finding a safe person or safe people. This is imperative. You cannot do Nice Guy recovery work alone. You must have safe people to whom you can reveal yourself. Revealing yourself to safe people allows you to release your toxic shame and toxic perfectionism, confront your insecurities, and challenge your self-limiting beliefs.

Working with a coach or joining a men’s program (like Integrated Man University) are integral to your Nice Guy recovery work.

In addition to revealing yourself to safe people, overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome is primarily about being conscious. It’s about staying mindful. It’s about staying aware of your behaviors.

When you’re conscious, you can notice when you:

• Seek approval
• People please
• Use Covert Contracts
• Tolerate bad behavior
• Hide parts of yourself

When you’re able to notice these behaviors, you can stop yourself and start behaving in a more integrated way.

Additionally, Nice Guy recovery work requires you to start building what Dr. Glover calls a “great cake of a life.” Many Nice Guys do not have rich and fulfilling lives. A “great cake of a life” includes good male friendships, leaning into challenge, pursuing your passions and interests, and regular, strenuous exercise.

All that said, there is not one perfect way to recover from the Nice Guy Syndrome. Nor is there a specific timeline you need to follow. What’s most important is that you make a lasting commitment to personal growth. And hopefully, you’ll keep growing until the day you die.  

Tony

Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.

www.tonyendelman.com

The post What is Nice Guy Syndrome? A Complete Guide appeared first on The Integrated Man Cave.

Well, if you’ve read Dr. Robert Glover’s book No More Mr. Nice Guy, you might already know the answer to these questions. You also know that Nice Guys aren’t actually nice at all.

But if you’re new to the concept of Nice Guy Syndrome and you’re trying to figure out why you keep getting the shaft in life, read on. There’s a good chance you’re exhibiting classic Nice Guy behaviors without even realizing it.

The Nice Guy Syndrome is an anxiety-based disorder that develops from inaccurately internalizing messages received during childhood.

Here are six of the most troublesome signs you’re a Nice Guy:

YOU HAVE TOXIC SHAME

The term “toxic shame” was introduced in the 1960s by American psychologist and theorist, Sylvan Tomkins. Generally, toxic shame develops in childhood and then stays with you as you grow older.

Toxic shame is a serious issue for many men – particularly Nice Guys.  It creates anxiety and suffering and causes men to hide themselves while keeping others at length.

Fundamentally, toxic shame is the internalized and inaccurate belief that you are bad, unlovable, inferior, defective, or worthless.

Toxic shame can damage your self-image, deplete your confidence, and perpetuate your negative self-talk. It prevents you from having a positive view of yourself. If you grew up believing that you’re unlovable or worthless (even at an unconscious level), you’ll struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-worth in adulthood.

As Dr. Glover describes in No More Mr. Nice Guy, Nice Guys don’t believe they are okay, just as they are.

How do you think about yourself? How do you talk to yourself? Do you have negative beliefs about yourself that you developed in childhood and carried with you into adulthood?

If you think you might have toxic shame, find a safe person, coach, or therapist to talk to about it.

YOU CONSTANTLY SEEK THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS (ESPECIALLY WOMEN)

Because of their toxic shame, Nice Guys believe they are not okay just as they are. They often believe they are defective and unlovable. As a result, they constantly seek approval and validation from others, particularly women.

Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman’s approval can include flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, attentiveness, or willingness to have sex.

At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed or angry, Nice Guys interpret this to mean that she doesn’t approve of them.

Do you constantly seek the approval of women?  How would your life be different if you let go of the need to receive validation from women – or anyone, for that matter?

Constantly seeking approval from women creates a host of problems:

• It requires Nice Guys to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman’s availability. If a woman is in a bad mood, Nice Guys they must do something quickly to fix it. These things include lying, manipulating, or sacrificing themselves in some way.
• It gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship
• It gives women the power to define a man and determine his worth.
• It creates rage towards women. Nice Guys often claim to love women. But most Nice Guys have tremendous anger towards women. This is because we tend to eventually despise what we make into our god. When our god fails to respond in the ways we expect, we either intensify our acts of worship or lash out in righteous anger.

YOU USE COVERT CONTRACTS

In No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover explains that Nice Guys are guided by three “covert contracts.” These covert contracts are:

• If I am a good guy, then everyone will like me and love me (and the people I desire will desire me).
• If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.
• If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

Covert contracts simply don’t work. But Nice Guys are convince they should.

Put another way, a covert contract is an agreement that you haven’t actually made, but you believe that it’s binding. You have a plan in your head for some kind of exchange, but you’ve never actually stated it.

In simple terms, when you operate using covert contract you are giving to get. And, giving to get almost always results in bitterness and resentment.

Do you use covert contracts?  How might your life be different if you gave judiciously, out of the goodness of your heart, without expecting anything in return?

YOU HIDE YOUR PERCEIVED FLAWS

Because Nice Guys believe they are not okay just as they are, they tend to see any perceived flaw or mistake as proof that their belief is accurate.

Nice Guys think that if others discover their shortcomings, they will be shamed, hurt, rejected, abandoned, or worse. So, Nice Guys employ a number of creative methods to hide their perceived flaws.

• Lying: Nice Guys may pride themselves on being honest, but they consistently tell half-truths or omit information to avoid disapproval.
• Drawing on Their Account: Nice Guys believe that all the good things they do should build up a credit that they can use to wipe clean any wrongdoing.
• Fixing: Nice Guys do whatever it takes to get others to stop being upset.
• Shame Dumping: When someone confronts a Nice Guy in a way that triggers his shame, the Nice Guy may turn the tables and attempt to trigger the other person’s shame.
• Walls: Nice Guys often build walls that prevent others from getting too close. These walls can include things like addiction, sarcasm, perfectionism, and isolation.

Covering up their perceived flaws (and their humanity) makes Nice Guys seem lifeless and uninteresting.  Not to mention that it keeps everyone at arm’s length. Humans are not drawn to perfection in others – they are drawn to others imperfections and rough edges.

How do you hide your perceived flaws and mistakes?  How would it feel to know that those you love will still love you, warts and all?

YOU NEVER SET BOUNDARIES

Boundaries are a significant issue for many men – especially Nice Guys. Interestingly enough, many Nice Guys haven’t even heard of boundaries. 

As children, we were small. Big people could do whatever they wanted to us and we couldn’t stop them. Therefore, it felt normal to feel helpless as other people used us or neglected us or treated us badly. Often the people who violated our boundaries the most or treated us the worst are the people who were put on this planet to take care of us. 

Many Nice Guys grew up having no clue what personal boundaries are, much less how to set up and maintain them. Nice Guys often associate love with being treated badly. 

Boundaries are not about getting anyone else to be different, they’re about getting you to be different. You must be willing to remove yourself from a situation. If you’re not willing to remove yourself, you have no power. 

Many men are afraid to set boundaries because it feels unnatural. Not to mention that they’re afraid that somebody will react negatively.

But if you remain conscious and in your higher loving self, you can set boundaries with love and integrity.

Boundaries actually make it possible for people to get closer to each other. Think about it: If you don’t have boundaries you have two options. You can avoid people altogether or you can build walls for protection. Neither option lets people get close to you. 

YOU ARE DISCONNECTED FROM OTHER MEN (AND YOUR OWN MASCULINE ENERGY)

Nice Guys – particularly Nice Guys in relationships – tend to lose sight of their own masculinity. They become completely wrapped up in their relationship and make their partner their emotional center. As a result, they become disconnected from other men and their own masculine energy.

Many Nice Guys  believe that they are – or that they need to be – different from other men. Nice Guys with this line of thinking usually tried to be different from their fathers in childhood. In adulthood, they create a similar dynamic with men in general. When you stay disconnected from other men, you cut yourself off from the countless positive benefits of male companionship and the remarkable power of having a masculine community.

Additionally, many Nice Guys are disconnected from their own masculine energy. Masculine energy is what allows a man to create and produce. It empowers a man to provide for and protect those he loves. Masculine energy is defined by strength, courage, discipline, integrity, persistence, and passion.

When you repress your masculinity you lose your sexual energy, your competitiveness, your creativity, your power, and your thirst for new experiences.

SUMMARY

You’re probably a quintessential Nice Guy if:

• You have toxic shame.
• You constantly seek the approval of others (especially women).
• You use covert contracts.
• You hide your perceived flaws.
• You never set boundaries.
• You are disconnected from other men (and your own masculine energy)

​If can spend some time working on these six things, you’ll start to get a grip on your Nice Guy Syndrome and you’ll start to see your life dramatically improve.

Work at overcoming your toxic shame. Notice when you’re seeking the approval of others, particularly women. Pay attention to your covert contracts. Start revealing yourself to others (a men’s group is a great place to start). Practice setting boundaries. And make sure you’re spending quality time with other men.

RECOMMENDED READING:

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
Waking the Tiger by Peter A. Levine
Boundaries by Henry Cloud

Tony

Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.

www.tonyendelman.com

The post 6 Signs You Have Nice Guy Syndrome appeared first on The Integrated Man Cave.

Fear of rejection causes many men to settle for less what they want. Some men settle for nothing.

Here’s a scenario that will almost certainly sound familiar:

You see a beautiful woman you’d like to meet. She’s standing behind you in line at the coffee shop. You notice that she’s not wearing a wedding ring, so there’s a good chance she’s single. You imagine what it would be like to take her on a date. All you have to do to make that a possibility is turn around and say something. But even “Hi” sounds creepy in your head.

So what do you say? You could ask her what she’s ordering. Or how her day is going. Or make some comment about the weather. Or crack a joke of some kind. Then you could get into a conversation and ask for her number. Or you could even ask her to join you for coffee right then and there.

But what if she rejects you? What if she thinks you’re a creep? What if she gives you a dirty look?  What if she has a boyfriend? Won’t everyone in the coffee shop see you getting rejected? That would be awkward. You start to clam up. Your hands get sweaty. Your mind starts racing…

And before you know it, you’ve ordered your coffee, you’ve left the coffee shop, and you’re kicking yourself for not saying anything. That could’ve been the woman of your dreams.

Let’s talk about how to overcome your fear of rejection.

WHAT CAUSES FEAR OF REJECTION

Fear of rejection is usually the result of having an agenda – or emotional attachments. In other words, before you even meet a woman you don’t even know, you’re already attached to a specific outcome (i.e. you want this woman to be your girlfriend).

Here are some other emotional attachments that cause a fear of rejection:

• Desiring a regular sex partner
• Not wanting to be lonely
• A need for validation (from a desirable woman desiring you)
• Wanting to make the feeling of not being good enough to go away
• Not wanting to look foolish.

When men approach women seeking validation or avoiding rejection, it leads to passivity. Or it leads to not approaching at all.

A good way to start overcoming your fear of rejection is to look at approaching and dating women as a scientific experiment, instead of a way to get validation from women.

REJECTION AND NICENESS

Many men – particularly Nice Guys – already don’t feel very good about themselves. Many have toxic shame, feelings of inadequacy, or social anxiety. Some lack effective social skills and simply don’t know how to interact with strangers. Others are plagued by self-limiting beliefs.

But when it comes to rejection, the biggest problem most men have is niceness.

Being nice keeps us perpetually seeking the approval of other people, especially women. This need for approval can keep us in some pretty vicious downward cycles.

Being nice and constantly seeking approval from others:

• Raises our anxiety
• Makes us submissive and passive
• Makes us really uninteresting
• Makes us fake
• Gives the other person power to determine our desirability
• Causes us to buy into our self-limiting beliefs.

Since most of us don’t like feeling unlovable, we don’t approach women at all. Or we approach so passively we are pretty much guaranteed a low-interest response.

Again, this creates a vicious downward cycle:  You passively approach a woman seeking validation or don’t approach at all.  If you do approach, you’re attached to a specific outcome. You don’t do anything that would lead to high-interest response from the woman. You don’t create any tension.  The low-interest response then confirms your self-limiting beliefs.  You continue to act in accordance with these beliefs. You feel like shit and the cycle repeats itself.

This is why rejection feels like such a big deal.

Every time a woman shows low interest it feels like she can see right through us – like she knows we’re unlovable. This isn’t true, but we believe that it is.  No wonder we play it safe and avoid anything that might lead to rejection.

REJECTION AND MAGICAL THINKING

Many men think there’s some magical way to make a woman attracted to them, even against her will. Some men also believe that if a woman is available and they got to her first, she should like them and not someone else.

Both of these assumptions have no basis in reality.

It’s time to let go of your magical thinking.

There is no magical way to make a woman interested in you – not hypnosis, not card tricks, not canned openers, not playful insults or ‘negs,’ not the so-called Mystery Method.  Attraction is not a choice. It’s either there or it’s not there. You can kill it or drive it up.

Additionally, many women are flaky by nature. Especially single women. This isn’t a blanket generalization or an insult to women. It’s just a reality.  There are a lot of incredible women out there too. Move on from the flakes quickly.

A lot of women who give you their numbers won’t answer the phone or respond to your texts. That’s just the way it is. You may see it as untruthful or disingenuous, but get over it. There could be a million different reasons she gave you her number. If she doesn’t respond or answer the phone, remember that dating and mating is a numbers game.

Don’t take anything personally.  Don’t try and figure things out.  If you get rejected, you found out what you needed to know. Move on.

APPROACH GETTING REJECTED AS A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT

If you look at meeting and dating women as a scientific experiment, you will immediately lower your anxieties.

You will find out what works and what doesn’t work – that’s what scientists do.

When you approach women like a scientist, you won’t be attached to a specific outcome. As a result, you will be more attractive to women. Why? Because when you aren’t attached to outcome, you’ll act boldly, projecting care-free confidence.

Approach women and practice openers, without concern over whether the woman is interested. Do it just to see if the openers work.

In his book, Dating Essentials for Men, Dr. Robert Glover describes the idea of treating dating like a scientific experiment and shares his results.

Here’s what Dr. Glover learned when he approached women without attachment in the name of science.

• Women responded better and he had more success when he was  direct, when he told them to do things, when he was bold instead of vague.
• He had more success when he called women within a day, instead of waiting 3 to 5 days like the pickup “gurus” tell you.
• He learned effective ways to test a woman for interest.

To lower your anxiety and start overcoming your fear of rejection, get used to seeing the idea of approaching women purely as a scientific experiment, not as validation of who you are.

OVERCOME YOUR FEAR OF REJECTION BY TRYING TO GET REJECTED

Here’s an idea that might seem counterintuitive. But, you’ll be surprised how powerful and effective it is.

Consciously try to get rejected by women.

Yes. Go out and actually try to get rejected. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should do anything offensive or creepy.  But you need to face your fears head on.

Trying to get rejected is fundamentally a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  And it’s a great way to let go of attachment to outcome and lower your anxiety.

Trying to get rejected will help you learn to not take things personally. It’ll help you realize that rejection doesn’t hurt. It’ll help you stop trying to figure women out. And it’ll make you appear significantly more confident in the process.

Women will often say Yes just because you’ve asked. Women are wired to say Yes.  When you go out and try to get rejected, there’s a good chance you actually won’t get rejected as much as you expect.

So, confront your fear of being rejected by trying to get rejected. It is the absolute best way to get over your fears and self-limiting beliefs.

REJECTION DOESN’T HURT

You may not want to hear this and you may not believe it, but rejection doesn’t hurt.  Being told NO does not – in and of itself – cause any pain.

Women find it difficult to say NO. they don’t want to tell us no. They don’t like rejecting you.

Rejection is purely a function of your mind. It has nothing to do with being told NO. When you have emotional attachment to a specific outcome, then rejection can hurt. And not because of the actual rejection but because of what you do with that rejection in your own head.

Rejection only hurts when you are attached to a specific outcome or when the rejection seems to prove what you already believe to be true about yourself.

This is why trying to get rejected is such a paradoxical yet powerful approach to getting over your fear of rejection. When you get rejected, it means you’ve succeeded.

THINK ABOUT THIS: How can a woman who is a complete stranger know you well enough to even reject you or validate you? She can’t.

If she shows low interest, it simply means that she has low interest in interacting with you at that given moment. And there could be a thousand different reasons why. These reasons have nothing to do with you or your value as a human being.

High interest doesn’t mean you have worth. Low interest doesn’t mean you’re worthless.

If a woman has low interest in interacting with you and you are hurt by it, your are really just rejecting yourself due to your internalized, inaccurate beliefs about yourself.

A RATIONAL LOOK AT REJECTION

Let’s take a look at what rejection really is:

Rejection is a person not wanting to go out with you, date you, have sex with you, or have a relationship with you, but it is NOT a reflection of who you are.

A stranger can’t possibly know who you are.

One person’s low interest in you does not reflect what everyone else thinks. And it doesn’t mean that nobody else will have high interest in you.  Rejection typically doesn’t have anything to do with you at all.  A person simply has low interest – and, again, there could be a thousand different reasons why.

This doesn’t mean you are worthless and unlovable.

What we often interpret as rejection is usually nothing more than a person being unavailable, distracted, busy, or not looking to date.  Maybe you’re no their type.  So what? A woman’s low interest has nothing to do with your worth as a man and it doesn’t mean other women won’t have high interest.

GET RID OF THE WORD ‘REJECTION’ AND START THINKING OF IT AS HIGH INTEREST OR LOW INTEREST.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FEAR OF REJECTION

• Become an observer. The essence of all recovery is learning how to become the non-judgmental observer of self. Observe the process of approaching, interacting, and testing a woman for interest. Observe your feelings. Observe your attachments. Observe your less actions. Treat dating as an opportunity to both challenge and overcome your self-limiting beliefs. Treat it as a scientific experiment to see what works and what doesn’t.
• Get a coach or teacher.  Hire a No More Mr. Nice coach or a dating coach, attend a dating bootcamp, or find someone to help you learn new skills. Make sure they challenge you and encourage you. If what you’re doing isn’t working, find someone who can show you what does work.
• Become a social animal. If you have a low opinion of yourself, social anxiety, and ineffective dating skills,  you MUST push yourself to get out of the house and practice your social skills every single day. Unless you’re willing to do this, your skills won’t improve, your anxiety won’t diminish, and you won’t get the feedback you need to determine what’s working and what isn’t.
• TRY TO GET REJECTED.  As we’ve already discussed, trying to get rejected can be a powerful way to overcome your fear of rejection. Try to get five women to reject you in one night. Don’t be an offensive  asshole, of course. But put yourself in public places where you’ll be around women and just approach them. Start a conversation. Lean into your fear. The goal is not to get a date. It’s to get rejected. If you approach a woman trying to get rejected instead of trying to get approval, you’ll act more boldly. You’ll appear more confident. You’ll be amazed how trying to rejected can completely blow your fear of rejection out of the water. Your life will open up in so many ways.
• Embrace your agenda. When you talk to a woman, you’re trying to find out if she’s a cool person who might go out with you and maybe have sex with you. Women know this is why you’re approaching them. Don’t repress your agenda. Most women don’t think sex is bad. And they respond well to men who are congruent,  who don’t repress their agenda and who don’t act passively. Most healthy women out there have the same agenda.
• Be Realistic. Many men – especially those who have poor social skills and heightened anxiety – only want to go out with the most beautiful women. This sets you up to fail. It has nothing to do with your worth and if you’re deserving of this kind of woman, but you don’t have the skillset to approach these kinds of woman.  Practice your social skills on everyone so you eventually have the ability to talk to beautiful women without putting them on a pedestal.

HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF REJECTION

• Observe. Observe your self-talk. Shine the light of rationality on it and ask if it even makes sense. Does it make sense for you to feel this bad, or is it just an old story?
• Evaluate your skills. Do it without being judgmental. Could you do better at testing for interest? Could you have acted more boldly?  What could you have done differently?
• Let go of attachment. As the Buddha said, attachment is the cause of all suffering.  When you badly want a specific woman to like you and she doesn’t, you’ll suffer. Consciously work at letting go of attachment – there’s no magic bullet. Go out and talk to everyone. Ask out all kinds of women.  Remember that it’s a numbers game. Talk to or go out with 100 women and you won’t feel as bad if one woman rejects you.
• Rename ‘rejection’ to ‘low interest.’
• Remember that women are the weather. This is something David Deida talks about in his book The Way of the Superior Man. Women are the weather. They change. They’re emotional. That’s just the nature of the feminine.
• Do something. The masculine is self-validating by what it does. Move yourself consciously into your higher masculine self. Go do something. Do something with MEN. Do guy things. Pursue your passions. Do things that excite you. Lean into challenge. Exercise.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

I was rejected several times in one night. It sucked. I feel like never trying again.  What’s up with this?

Rejection only hurts when it reinforces a deeply held pre-existing belief that you’re unlovable or defective in some way. If you didn’t have this belief, you would simply see it as low interest from one individual. You would be glad you found out quickly that the person wasn’t interested and move on. You wouldn’t waste your time, you wouldn’t read into it, and you wouldn’t take rejection so personally.

You were probably attached to a specific outcome. You made yourself feel bad. A woman’s low interest doesn’t hurt, the only thing that hurts is what your brain does with it.

But it still feels bad, doesn’t it?  That’s because it brings to the surface some of your deeply held emotional baggage -some old story that you internalized at a young age. If your thought-talk makes a big deal of a woman’s low interest, it’s going to make you miserable. Your brain tends to believe everything your brain tells you is true.

Part of the reason a lot of men experience low interest or rejection is that they don’t test boldly enough to drive up their interest and attraction. Lots of women will show high interest in talking to you but low interest in dating you. This is great. Be happy you found out early. Move on. If you ask a woman for her number and she doesn’t give it to you, move on. She’s not obligated to give it to you.

Don’t worry about missed opportunities. Opportunities are like busses. Another one comes around every 15 minutes.

See rejection as an opportunity. Part of finding out what’s right for you is finding out what isn’t right for you.

How do I deal with cock-blockers?

There’s a good chance that conscious cock-blocking doesn’t really occur that much in the world. It’s just our interpretation of it. It’s our interpretation of some event when we didn’t get what we wanted because somebody came and interrupted our attachment.

If the woman has high interest, she’ll probably introduce you to her cock-blocking friend and continue to engage you.  Don’t take cock-blockers (or alleged cock-blockers) personally. You can boldly hold out your hand, shake theirs, introduce yourself, and then move on.  Or, just say: “I see you guys know each other so I’ll catch up with you later.”

If you try and chastise someone for interrupting you, you’ll come off like an insecure jackass.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

Dating Essentials for Men by Dr. Robert Glover
Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang
Unbreakable Confidence

Tony

Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.

www.tonyendelman.com

The post Overcome Your Fear of Rejection appeared first on The Integrated Man Cave.

Toxic shame is a serious issue for many men – particularly Nice Guys.  It creates anxiety and suffering. It causes men to hide themselves while keeping others at arm’s length. It is also a primary cause of inaction. It leads men to do nothing in situations where they think they might fail – especially when it comes dating and relationships.

The term “toxic shame” was introduced in the 1960s by American psychologist and theorist, Sylvan Tomkins. Generally, toxic shame develops in childhood and then stays with you as you grow older. It is toxic because it tends to negatively affect almost every level of human existence, from your emotional states and self-image to your outlook on life.

At a fundamental level, toxic shame is the internalized belief that you are bad, unlovable, inferior, defective, or worthless. In this article, we’ll take a closer look at this phenomenon. We’ll also discuss some practical tips you can use to start overcoming your toxic shame.

HOW TOXIC SHAME DEVELOPS

At one time, you were a helpless, powerless, immature, and narcissistic little being. In other words, you were a child. And you inaccurately interpreted the things that were done to you.

You developed defense mechanisms to make yourself feel better in times of distress – when you felt bad or scared, or when you had any physical pain. You were also trying to prevent these negative experiences from happening again in the future.

You were trying to manage your anxiety around abuse, neglect, abandonment, criticism, smothering, and family dysfunction of all kinds.

Let’s say, for example, that when you were a child, your father became angry and slapped you. You were certain you did something to cause your father’s anger. You tried to figure out what it was so you could either quit doing it or start doing it differently. Then, surely, your father would quit hitting you.

Unfortunately, because you were a powerless and narcissistic child, you couldn’t see that you were not the cause of your father’s behavior. The root cause was really your father’s inability to control his impulses. But you couldn’t fight back. You couldn’t express yourself. So, your only alternatives were to try to behave more perfectly or retreat in an attempt to go unnoticed.

Here’s another example:

Let’s say your mother was depressed and needy, perhaps because she was in a bad relationship or because she was single and overwhelmed. So, she hooked up an emotional hose to you and turned to you for emotional sustenance. She may have even turned to you for social connection.

No matter how hard you tried to be there for your mother – to never be a moment’s problem – it never worked. She remained depressed and needy. You tried harder. But it still never worked. Subsequently, you developed the belief that you’re unlovable. That you’re worthless. That you just can’t do anything right.

These examples illustrate the core of toxic shame.

THE HARMFUL EFFECTS OF TOXIC SHAME

Because toxic shame typically develops in childhood, you end up carrying inaccurate beliefs about yourself (and the world) into adulthood.

As a child, you weren’t capable of learning from your mistakes or poor choices, nor were you capable of quickly moving on from them. You also weren’t capable of understanding that you weren’t the root cause of everything bad that happened to you.

The toxic shame you developed in childhood becomes part of you. And, unfortunately, it can damage your self-image, deplete your confidence, and perpetuate your negative self-talk.

Toxic shame prevents you from having a positive view of yourself. If you grew up believing that you’re unlovable, defective, bad, or worthless (even at an unconscious level), you’ll struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-worth in adulthood.

Here are some other harmful effects of toxic shame:

EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
Because toxic shame is often coupled with negative self-talk, it can lead to a variety of crippling emotional states, like: anger, self-loathing, fear, anxiety, and depression. Additionally, toxic shame often causes perfectionism.

AVOIDANCE AND ISOLATION
Those who have negative views of themselves because of toxic shame usually often avoid and withdraw from other people. Friendships, romantic partnerships, and other intimate relationships tend to exacerbate feelings of anxiety.

DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS
Given that toxic shame can lead to emotional distress, many people find unhealthy ways to cope with their internal suffering. Some turn to drugs and alcohol, while some engage in self-harm. Of course, these behaviors don’t provide any lasting relief.

DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Toxic shame can make it especially difficult to open up to others and maintain healthy intimate relationships. Because those with toxic shame have an inaccurate belief that they are flawed or defective in some way, they hold back parts of themselves and keep people at arm’s length.

Those with toxic shame fear that if anyone finds out who they really are, they will leave. As a result, people with toxic shame rarely let their guard down and express themselves, even with their closest and most trusted loved ones.

In romantic relationships, people with toxic shame often have a hard time accepting criticism from a partner, no matter how well-intended. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and, ultimately, a great deal of relationship conflict.

TOXIC SHAME & PERFECTIONISM

Toxic shame and perfectionism tend to go hand-in-hand. And, much like shame, perfectionism can cause unnecessary anxiety and suffering.

As we’ve already discussed, toxic shame typically develops in childhood. Subsequently, so does perfectionism.  Essentially, children believe that they need to be perfect to avoid negative experiences.  This, of course, is a false belief. But it can stick around well into adulthood.

In adulthood, people with toxic shame see negative experiences as proof that something is wrong with them.  So they try to be perfect, believing that as long as they are perfect, everyone will like them. But, because of their belief that they have to be perfect or appear perfect, they aren’t very honest or transparent.

Perfectionism is often characterized by:

• Setting unreasonable standards
• Considering anything less than absolute perfection unacceptable
• Getting depressed when faced with any amount of disappointment
• Obsessing over the possibility of failure of disapproval
• Becoming defensive or combative when criticized
• Believing that mistakes are a sign of unworthiness

NICE GUYS & TOXIC SHAME

Nice Guys in particular seem to suffer from a great deal of toxic shame, and it governs nearly everything they do.

As previously mentioned, toxic shame typically develops in childhood and it is characterized by the core belief that one is unlovable, bad, or defective in some way. Every child develops defense mechanisms to (1) help him manage the immediate pain caused by whatever he’s experienced, and (2) prevent future events that will cause similar pain.

Out of this comes what Dr. Glover calls covert contracts.

Nice Guys are generally guided by three covert contracts:

• If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me).
• If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs.
• If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

These covert contracts exist at an unconscious level, and they simply don’t work. But, Nice Guys are convinced they should.

Nice Guys are constantly trying to manage their anxiety by trying to do everything right so nobody ever gets mad at them, criticizes them, or leaves them.

This is a false and unworkable paradigm.

As a result, Nice Guys hide because they know they can’t actually be perfect. They hide by:

• Avoiding or withdrawing from people
• Holding things back about themselves
• Trying to impress people
• Lying, distorting the truth, and leaving out important details
• Trying to distract people from their perceived flaws

Interestingly, when men begin to work on their Nice Guy issues, they often adopt a revised covert contract: If I recover from the Nice Guy Syndrome and work on my issues, then people will like and love me and meet my needs, and I’ll have a smooth, problem-free life.

Life doesn’t work like this.

There will always be people who don’t like you and won’t meet your needs. And life will never be smooth and problem-free. Accepting these facts can help liberate you from your toxic shame.

TOXIC SHAME IN DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

For men – especially Nice Guys – toxic shame tends to manifest quite prominently when it comes to interacting with women.

• Nice Guys are often hyper-sensitive to their own perceived flaws (pimples, receding hairline, growing waistline, etc.) As a result, they try desperately to hide these things.
• Nice Guys frequently look around and see other men who appear to be more perfect than them – men who seem to have more money, look to be in better shape, etc. Nice Guys believe these men are better, which leads the Nice Guy to develop an even more debilitating sense of inadequacy.
• Nice Guys assume that women can see right through them and can tell how defective they are. They think women have X-ray vision.

When it comes to dating and relationships, toxic shame usually causes men to give up and do nothing. Of course, this just perpetuates their belief that they can’t connect with women and women aren’t attracted to them.

Additionally, if a woman does show interest, many men won’t even notice that the woman is doing so. It simply doesn’t match the core beliefs they have about themselves and the world.

Due to their toxic shame – and perhaps a history of not being successful with women – many men often resort to what Dr. Glover calls Nice Guy Seduction.

Nice Guy Seduction is characterized by:

• Being overly nice or accommodating
• Listening to a woman’s problems
• Doing a woman’s errands
• Buying a woman gifts
• Hiding their sexual agenda
• Trying to look perfect

HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR TOXIC SHAME

Becoming an Integrated Man is fundamentally about releasing toxic shame. It’s about learning to soothe anxiety, learning to accept yourself just as you are, challenging yourself to grow, and accepting the love of others as we let them get to know us.

Let’s look at a variety of things you can do to overcome your toxic shame:

• Find safe people to whom you can reveal yourself. This can’t be overstated. You simply can’t do this work alone. The men who stay the most stuck are the ones who keep trying to work on their issues all by themselves. But you can’t release toxic shame by yourself. You need people. Nice Guys in particular have an overwhelming fear of being found out. Becoming Integrated is all about being found out. Work with a coach, join a men’s group, attend a 12-step program. Then, reveal yourself. Only share with people who are non-judgmental and accepting of you. If it scares you to reveal yourself to safe people that’s all the more reason to do it.
• Journal. Journaling allows you to be completely open and honest with yourself. Write down your fears, your secrets, your desires. Bring them up into consciousness. Then, reveal these things to others. Keep writing and keep sharing until your shame disappears.
• Be a non-judgmental observer of self.  Learn to observe yourself – what you think, what you feel, what you’ve done in the past. Observe these things without judgement. Don’t be critical of it. Just observe and say “Hmm, that’s interesting.” Lovingly remind yourself that you’re not a bad person. You are not your thoughts, you are not your feelings, you are not your behavior. You are a lovable, imperfect human being.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.  Comparison kills. Stop comparing yourself to others for good or for bad. The men who are the least happy and have the hardest time changing tend to habitually compare themselves to others. Their perceived imperfection has become their identity. When you start comparing yourself to others, catch yourself and let it go without judgment.
• Become an observer of your judgments.  Do you judge yourself? Probably. But, what about other people? Do you draw a conclusion about someone as soon as they walk in the room? Observe your judgments about yourself and other people. Your judgments can tell you a lot about yourself.
• Go to a hospital.  Specifically, visit the newborn nursery and observe the babies. Then ask yourself: “Are any of these babies messed up or unlovable?” Remind yourself that you were once an innocent little baby. Every belief you have about yourself is the result of your inaccurate interpretation of life events that occurred when you were a child. You were born perfectly imperfect just like everybody else.
• Practice self-compassion. Ask yourself: If my best friend had the same characteristics or exhibited the same behaviors, would I be as judgmental of him as I am of myself?
• Laugh. And lighten up. We all have flaws, we all have judgements, we all make mistakes, we all have neuroses. Be playful about your shortcomings. Exaggerate them. Let’s not take ourselves to seriously.
• Put yourself into situations where you’ll feel vulnerable. Many men completely avoid this. Don’t be one of those men. Go do some things that you can’t do perfectly. Attend a speed-dating event. Enroll in dance lessons. Pick up a new hobby. Take a class.
• Never defend yourself. Every time you get defensive, you are trying to take the spotlight off of a projected imperfection in yourself   Defending yourself makes you feel and appear weak. It also causes you to keep your walls and hide your flaws. If you do feel attacked, separate it from your identify. If the person has a legitimate issue, take ownership and responsibility. Just say, “You’re right, I apologize.” If the person is way off track, just let them know where they are off track. If they are critical, just let them know you feel criticized.
• Don’t hang out with negative people. Surround yourself with loving, supportive, positive people. Negative people feed your shame. Cut them out of your life. Make no exceptions.
• Get feedback from your friends. Ask your friends what they believe are your best qualities. Ask them what they like about you. When they share the information, let it in. Expand it and feel it and let it wash over you. Observe your brain trying to deny it. Then, ask your friends if there’s something you can work on in yourself.
• When you’re struggling, break it down. Again, try not to be judgmental of yourself. When you’re putting off or avoiding something, ask yourself what it means. Consider using The One Pull-up Method. Pull-ups are hard. Break it down. Just do one. If you do one, chances are you’ll do more. But start with ONE. Our minds tend to get overwhelmed which causes us to do nothing. Let go of having to do it all or do it perfectly. Just do the next task. Just do something.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT TOXIC SHAME

How do I learn to comfortably reveal myself?

First, find safe people – a best friend, therapist, 12-step group, men’s group, etc. Use the stair step method. Reveal yourself a little bit, and check. Like you’re going up stairs. See what they do with the information. Share and check how others react to what you’re sharing. Do they use it against you? Criticize you? If you find them trustworthy, keep sharing. If they aren’t, stop. Share and check. Share and check.

As you learn to be intimate with safe people who won’t judge you, reject you, or criticize you, you’ll build the courage to reveal yourself to people who you fear might reject you, like women. Use the stair-step method with women. Reveal yourself. Check. How does she react? Does she criticize you? Use it against you?  As you reveal yourself, you’ll get to find out a woman’s nature. Is she safe, reciprocal, trusting?

Challenge yourself to get out and do something about the things that you’ve shared. Good male friends are the foundation of healthy relationships with females. Work through your bullshit with guys.

Does being transparent in relationships include revealing self-limiting beliefs or doubts to our partner? Shouldn’t we try and maintain a level of confidence with our partners?

You can be honest, real, and transparent without turning your partner into an emotional tampon. You can be honest with a woman without burdening her. As you get to know a woman, you get to decide what to reveal, how much to reveal, and when. You can go slow. You can do this without lying or deceiving. But, if it leads to a committed relationship, over time, she should ultimately know everything about you: your wants, your fears, your desires, your passions, your resentments, your opinions, your insecurities, your dreams. As you slowly and judiciously reveal yourself to a woman, you are building trust. Honesty and transparency are essential for women to trust a man and open up to him.

But, remember that you are learning to trust as well. You’re learning to trust that a woman can see you as an imperfect person – warts and all – and still love and desire you. Intimacy involves two people who are in the process of knowing themselves and being known by the other.

Most women can handle an uncomfortable truth but can not handle being lied to.

Transparency, by the way, is not the same thing as hashing something out over and over again. A woman wants to know you, but doesn’t want to be your therapist. They don’t want you to whine about the same crap over and over without taking action. If you don’t take action, the woman will lose trust and attraction. You’ll kill all the polarity between you.

No matter how much I read, learn, absorb, and put into practice, I still can’t imagine a normal, healthy, attractive woman would want me. I just don’t think I’m worthy. How do I overcome this?

There’s an episode of Seinfeld during which George Costanza tries doing the opposite of what he’d been doing and experiences great success. Why not be like George and do the opposite of what you have been doing? Test your assumption that you’re not desirable. Don’t wait until you feel more perfect before you start approaching women to whom you’re attracted. You’re cheating women by not giving them the chance to meet you. And you’re cheating yourself by dating down.

We can look around and notice other men who we perceive to be better than us. We assume that women see these same guys and compare us to them in the same way we compare ourselves to them. But most of us don’t realize that women generally have lower self-esteem than we do. Many women get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and find something about themselves to criticize. Then they try and cover up. Don’t assume that a woman who looks good actually feels good about herself.

Women don’t tend to value the things in men that we perceive they do. Women react to how you make them feel. Most women are attracted to men who make them feel good.

We also assume that women make rational relationship choices. They don’t. They make choices based on their emotions. They don’t use their prefrontal cortex when evaluating men. How many women have you seen with terrible men?

Women love potential in a man. Show them yours.

Letting go of toxic shame, having no insecurities and never taking anything personally sounds amazing. It also sounds unattainable. And I can’t just will it to happen. How do you get to a place of such supreme confidence?  And, when you get to that place, is there still room for emotion? Am I supposed to become a sociopath who is totally self-absorbed?

Questions like these are a perfect example of how many men – particularly Nice Guys – tend to overanalyze, overthink, make every issue black and white, and take everything to the extreme.

Women are biologically attracted to men who appear confident – men who are comfortable in their own body, who take action, who can soothe their own anxiety, who show up with a plan. You don’t actually have to feel confident to appear confident.  If you approach a woman trying to get rejected, you’ll appear confident even if you’re scared shitless inside. Either way, it’s bold behavior.

No man feels confident every second of every day. We all have insecurities. It’s human.

Women aren’t looking for perfect.  Don’t be void of emotion. Again, you’re human. Be human. And have a sense of humor about your humanity

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
• Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
• Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza
• Guilt, Shame and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions by Peter R. Breggin, MD

Tony

Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.

www.tonyendelman.com

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