Have you ever found yourself falling for a girl who seems to have an impenetrable emotional fortress around her heart?
Today’s fast-paced dating world makes it all too common to encounter people with their guard up. This leaves a lot of us feeling discouraged and ready to walk away. But what if there was a way to navigate these emotional barriers and build a deeper connection?
Let’s take a closer look at emotional walls—why they exist, how to recognize them, and what healthier alternatives look like. We’ll also explore how to get a woman to lower her emotional walls without resorting to forceful, manipulative, or insensitive tactics.
Whether you’re currently facing this challenge or want to be prepared for future relationships, this guide can help you approach emotional walls with some empathy, patience, and understanding.
Understanding Emotional Walls in Romantic Relationships
Before you take a metaphorical sledgehammer to these walls, let’s try to understand what they’re all about.
Is any hesitation or caution at the beginning of a relationship a sure sign of an emotional wall? The short answer is “no.”
Emotional Wall vs. Normal Trepidation
It’s natural to approach new romantic relationships with a degree of caution. Everyone carries some baggage from past experiences, which can lead to feelings of insecurity or hesitation. However, there’s a difference between normal trepidation and emotional walls.
Normal trepidation often fades as people get to know each other and recognize the differences between past and current partners. It’s a temporary state that allows for growth and connection.
Emotional walls, on the other hand, are more persistent and complex.
Signs
Recognizing emotional walls in a partner can be challenging, but there are several common signs:
- Reluctance to share past details
- Difficulty expressing negative emotions, especially crying in front of others
- Keeping the relationship separate from family and friends
- Maintaining a facade of perfection long into the relationship
- Brushing problems aside instead of addressing them
- Making important decisions without consulting their partner
Causes
Emotional walls are primarily a defense mechanism born from past hurts, rejections, or complex trauma. They serve as a protective barrier, a private haven where individuals attempt to control their anguish and avoid potential pain.
However, this sense of control is largely illusory, as we can’t predict or control others’ behavior.
The Ultimate Goal
The goal here is to reach emotional intimacy.
To put it simply, emotional intimacy is a deep connection that goes beyond physical attraction and involves sharing emotions, vulnerabilities, biggest fears, and dreams. It creates a sacred bond built on mutual understanding and trust, allowing both partners to feel heard, safe, and supported.
That said, it’s important to note that sometimes, depending on the individual and their experiences, “breaking down the wall” may not be a realistic goal. We’ll explore this further later in the article.
9 Tips for Overcoming the Emotional Wall
Now that you have an idea about what emotional walls are and how they come to be, you’re ready to start working on them.
Despite what you’ve been told, you won’t be “hammering” them down at all. Instead, we prefer a more subtle, long-term approach that leaves both parties safe and satisfied with the progress.
Here’s how:
1. Understand That She Has Her Reasons
Let’s get one thing out of the way: These protective barriers aren’t your enemy. They come from a legitimate place, often rooted in past experiences or complex trauma.
Even if you can’t fully comprehend her reasons, acknowledging that she has them is a significant first step.
Remember, you haven’t walked in her shoes, dealt with the same abusive people she has known, or experienced life as she has. This perspective can help you maintain calm and avoid feeling hurt by her actions.
2. Lower Your Own Walls
To encourage your partner to lower her emotional walls, it’s essential to lead by example.
Authenticity creates tight relationship bonds, and being true to yourself can make her feel safe enough to reveal her true self.
You want to show her that you’re not just another emotionally unavailable person who might break her heart. This way, she’s more likely to take that leap of faith.
How can you do that? Well, acts of vulnerability include sharing difficult emotions (shame, grief, or fear) and talking about past mistakes and what you’ve learned from them. Expressing your hopes, dreams, and insecurities also helps.
We recommend being honest about your needs, boundaries, and expectations in your current relationship as well.
3. Create a Safe Space for Her
It’s not enough to unload your own vulnerability on your girl. You need to create an environment that encourages her to do the same and shows her that her protective walls are no longer needed since she’s 100% safe with you.
This involves fostering an environment where she feels accepted, understood, and loved for who she is (yes, even when things don’t go smoothly!).
Open lines of communication and honesty are crucial, but they must be balanced with compassion and understanding. When your partner shares her intense feelings, avoid being defensive or confrontational. Instead, keep an open mind and truly listen to what she’s saying.
Give her your undivided attention, focusing on understanding her perspective rather than formulating a reply. If something isn’t clear, don’t hesitate to ask her.
A little bit of active listening goes a long way here!
4. Validate Her Feelings and Emotions
Emotional validation is a powerful tool in helping your partner feel understood and accepted. It means showing her that her feelings are reasonable and appropriate, regardless of whether you agree with them.
She needs to know that you care about her as a whole person, warts and all. This level of validation can create a strong foundation for your relationship.
5. Show Her That She Can Trust You
If there’s one key to building trust, it’s consistency.
Day in and day out, you have to show up for your partner when she needs you and follow through on all your commitments. She’s more likely to let her guard down if she sees you as a reliable person.
Here are some ways to show her that you’re trustworthy (both in actions and with words):
- Be honest, even when it’s difficult.
- Keep your promises, no matter how small.
- Respect her boundaries and privacy.
- Be transparent about your feelings and intentions.
6. Built a Connection During Quality Time
Spending quality time together is a key element in building emotional intimacy and helping your partner lower her walls. We don’t mean being in the same physical space. You want to be present, engaged, and fully focused on each other.
This dedicated attention fosters a deeper connection and creates opportunities for vulnerability and trust.
When planning quality time, choose activities that encourage conversation and minimize distractions (like phones or TV). Then, be fully present and show genuine interest in her thoughts and feelings.
It helps to create new, positive experiences together every now and then. Just make sure you avoid the people/places/situations that caused her to build these walls in the first place.
7. Consider Couples Counseling
It’s okay to ask for help. If you think you can’t make the relationship work on your own, ask your partner if she’s open to counseling. It could help you both get closer and open up.
After all, a trained therapist can provide a safe space for both partners to express themselves, offer tools and techniques for effective communication, and help identify and address underlying issues.
Keep in mind that suggesting counseling doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It actually shows a commitment to growth and improvement. It demonstrates that you’re willing to invest time and effort into understanding each other better and strengthening your bond.
That said, you have to approach the subject gently. Express that you value the relationship and want to work together to make it the best it can be.
8. Replace Walls With Boundaries
As you work on lowering emotional walls, it’s important to recognize that some form of protection is okay. The goal isn’t to demolish all defenses but rather to replace rigid walls with healthy boundaries.
Remember that while walls block connection, boundaries define it.
9. Be Patient
Loving someone with a guarded heart often requires patience and understanding.
Trust takes time to build, especially for someone who has experienced past hurts or betrayals. Rushing this process may scare your partner away or cause her to retreat further behind her walls.
Whenever you come across bumps along the route, remind yourself that:
- Progress may be slow and non-linear.
- Small steps forward are still victories.
- Your partner’s pace of opening up may differ from yours.
So, encourage open communication, but don’t push for more than she’s ready to give. And most importantly, accept the fact that you might be the first to fall in love.
When Defensive Walls Are Best Left Standing: 3 Scenarios
Sure, it’s often beneficial to work on lowering emotional walls in relationships. Yet, there are instances where it’s wise to respect these protective barriers. Knowing when to step back is crucial for both your partner’s well-being.
Here are three scenarios where you’re better off letting the defensive walls be:
1. When You’re Not Willing to Commit Just Yet
It’s important to be honest about your own intentions.
Are you uncertain about your long-term commitment to the relationship? In this case, attempting to break down your partner’s emotional walls could potentially cause more harm than good.
You see, for someone with protective walls, opening up is a significant risk. So, if you’re not prepared to be there for the long haul, you might inadvertently inflict deeper emotional scars, making it even more challenging for her to trust in future relationships.
2. When They’ve Asked You to Stop
Now, this might seem like a no-brainer. But we still need to remind folks that some people just don’t want to change their ways.
You can’t force someone to lower their walls or commit to emotional openness. No matter how much love, support, or vulnerability you offer, the decision to open up must come from within. There’s only so much you can do here.
In fact, overdoing it can completely backfire.
After all, if your partner isn’t ready or willing to work on lowering these emotional barriers, pushing the issue could create tension and resentment. Eventually, all this tension will pile up, causing distress in the relationship.
3. When You’re Confusing Helping a Partner With “Fixing” Them
This brings us to an important distinction: there’s a difference between supporting a partner as they open up and fooling yourself into thinking you can “fix” them.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking it’s your responsibility to heal your partner’s emotional wounds or force them to be more vulnerable. We’ve seen it happen a lot!
However, this approach can be counterproductive and potentially damaging to both parties.
Ultimately, a healthy relationship involves mutual growth and support. You don’t want a situation where one person is trying to change the other relentlessly because it’ll most likely end in heartache for both sides.
Final Thoughts
As we’ve explored throughout this article, helping a partner lower her emotional walls is a delicate process that requires patience, understanding, and genuine care.
The journey to emotional intimacy isn’t about forcefully breaking down barriers. Instead, the goal is to create an environment where those walls can safely come down on their own and get replaced with healthy boundaries.
Of course, you’ll need some help along the way. Don’t hesitate to join a men’s group. These supportive communities can provide valuable insights, shared experiences, and encouragement as you navigate the complexities of relationships.
Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.