The weight of an affair can be crushing for any couple.

Both sides face emotional turmoil—the cheater grappling with overwhelming guilt and the betrayed partner wrestling with feelings of shock and mistrust.

That said, this article focuses on only one side of the equation, offering guidance on how to get over cheating guilt.

We’ll explore practical tips for dealing with these strong feelings, understanding the difference between guilt and remorse, and learning how to move forward.

Before You Start Healing: Figure Out Your Position in the Cycle of Guilt

We often see a pattern in cases of cheaters’ guilt. That would be the cycle of guilt, and it can trap a person in a spiral of negative emotions.

To understand the cycle, we have to explore its components. Usually, there are three parts to consider.

The “I Should” Stage

This initial stage stems from a deep-seated desire for approval—both from yourself and others. It’s characterized by thoughts like “I should be faithful” or “I should be a better partner.”

These “shoulds” often originate from societal expectations, internal beliefs, personal values, or the fear of losing love and acceptance.

Recognizing these thoughts is crucial, as they set the foundation for the entire guilt cycle.

The Inaction Stage

Following the “should” thoughts comes a period of either action or inaction. Since we’re talking about cheating guilt, inaction is the likely scenario.

This phase can manifest as emotional withdrawal, avoiding difficult conversations, or refusing to confront the reality of your actions.

You could say that this stage is about self-preservation. It’s an attempt to shield yourself from the pain and consequences of your choices.

However, this inaction prolongs the guilt and prevents healing.

The Guilt Build-up Stage

The final stage is where guilt becomes overwhelming. That’s when you start feeling like you’re a “bad person” undeserving of forgiveness.

Usually, all this guilt sparks more “I should” thoughts. And the cycle goes on, adding more and more layers of guilt to your conscience.

Can you tell where you are now with your stages of guilt?

How to Deal With Your Guilt After Cheating

Regardless of where you are in the cycle, you don’t want to let the guilt consume you.

Here are 11 tips to help you move on:

1. End the Affair

The first step in overcoming cheating guilt is to end the affair completely. This might seem obvious, but we had to mention it anyway.

And when we say “ending the affair,” we mean cutting contact completely with the affair partner. Any ongoing contact, no matter how innocent it may seem, can hinder the healing process and feed into the spiral of guilt.

Some people like going for a symbolic end here. If it helps, you could write a letter expressing your feelings and regrets, then burn it. You might even want to delete the person’s number and photos from your phone.

2. Be Honest With Yourself

Now that you’ve cut ties, you can reflect on the whole affair. Take time to examine why you cheated.

Was it due to boredom, a search for something missing in your relationship, or a moment of vulnerability?

Remember that there are a lot of reasons people cheat on their loving partners. Understanding the root causes can help prevent future mistakes and address underlying relationship issues.

3. Be Honest With Your Partner

Being transparent with your current partner is a vital, albeit challenging, step in dealing with cheating guilt. 

Here are two reasons why being honest can be a smart move:

  • Knowing that your partner isn’t even aware that you’ve violated their trust won’t help your feelings of guilt. Coming clean, however, can help a bit.
  • Confessing is necessary if you want to repair and strengthen your relationship.

It might be tempting to keep the affair secret under the misguided notion that “what they don’t know can’t hurt them.” But this thinking is flawed. Every day you don’t disclose the truth, you’re lying to your partner, which only compounds your guilt.

A man talking to his wife

That said, if you’ll come clean, you want to do it the right way—no pointing fingers and no false assurances.

It helps to choose a calm moment and a neutral environment for this emotional conversation. Next, you can rip the bandaid with a quick confession.

Slowly and calmly, you’ll provide enough information for your partner to understand the situation. But, of course, you have to be mindful of oversharing. Think of it as opening the door to the topic, not recounting every devastating detail.

4. Accept the Consequences

Your partner may need time to process their emotions, and there’s no guarantee they’ll want to continue the relationship. Be prepared for intense emotions and harsh revelations.

If your partner is willing to work on the relationship, be ready to offer full transparency. This might include providing access to your phone, emails, and social media accounts. While this might feel invasive, it’s often necessary to rebuild trust.

5. Treat Yourself With Compassion

You should hold yourself accountable, but treating yourself with compassion is equally important. Recognize that you’re human and capable of making mistakes. This doesn’t excuse your actions, but it can help alleviate some of the paralyzing guilt.

Affirm to yourself: “I made a mistake, but I’m not a horrible person. I can learn from this, make amends, and do better in the future.”

6. Don’t Tolerate Abuse or Manipulation in Your Relationship

It’s natural to feel guilty after cheating. However, you still need to recognize when your partner might be using that guilt against you.

Even if you made a mistake, you still deserve respect and the chance to rebuild trust. If your partner consistently uses your guilt to control your behavior or make unreasonable demands, it’s time to reassess the situation.

Remember, true reconciliation involves mutual effort and understanding!

7. Vent and Get Advice (But Only From the Right Person)

Sharing your feelings with a trusted confidant can be immensely helpful in processing your guilt and gaining perspective. Consider reaching out to an older friend or someone who’s navigated similar relationship issues. Explain your situation honestly and ask for their feedback.

Just make sure you choose the right person to confide in.

Look for someone who’s a good listener, supportive, empathetic, and loyal. They should have both your and your partner’s best interests at heart.

Don’t have such a person in your circle? Online or local support groups for individuals dealing with infidelity guilt can be valuable resources.

Avoid confiding in friends who might be overly judgmental or those who struggle with keeping confessions confidential. Confiding in enablers is also a major no-no when you’re trying to work on your problematic behaviors.

8. Seek Professional Help

There are two main avenues to consider: individual therapy or couples counseling.

Consult a Therapist

A licensed therapist can help you uncover the root causes of your cheating behavior and address underlying issues (like low self-esteem or unmet needs). This is particularly true if you’ve cheated multiple times, as it can help prevent future infidelity.

A man talking to a therapist at her office

Try online therapy if you’re uncomfortable with in-person sessions.

Go to Couples Counseling

If your partner wants to give things a second chance, we’d recommend couples therapy.

A counselor can facilitate better communication, suggest ways to reignite your connection, and guide you both through the healing process. 

Not only will this help you save your relationship, but as your relationship improves, you may find your feeling of guilt over cheating diminishing!

9. Consider the Spiritual Angle

Do you have spiritual beliefs? If so, you might want to seek guidance from a spiritual leader or advisor.

They may offer perspectives or rituals that complement traditional therapy, helping you find closure and forgiveness within your belief system. They can also provide a framework for understanding and overcoming guilt that aligns with your personal faith or philosophy.

10. Find Ways to Unload the Negative Feelings and Cultivate Positive Ones

Developing healthy coping mechanisms is important for managing guilty feelings and moving forward.

For instance, journaling can be an effective tool for processing your emotions, gaining perspective, and even uncovering solutions to your relationship issues.

Plus, meditation and mindfulness techniques can help you manage intrusive thoughts. When you catch yourself dwelling on the past, gently shift your focus to the present moment.

11. Be Patient and Push Through the Difficult Times

Give yourself and your partner time before making any major decisions about the future of your romantic relationship. It’s advisable to wait at least a couple of weeks before determining your next steps.

If you believe you can change and become the partner they deserve, focus on making those changes. Let your actions demonstrate your commitment to growth and rebuilding trust.

True change takes time, and patience is key to overcoming guilt and potentially salvaging your relationship.

When NOT to Be Transparent With Your Partner

While honesty is generally the best policy for dealing with immense guilt, there are situations where disclosing infidelity might not be the wisest choice. 

Your safety should always be the top priority in any relationship. Suppose your partner has a history of violent behavior or if you’re in an abusive relationship. In these cases, revealing your infidelity could potentially escalate the situation into dangerous territory.

Instead of confronting your partner, consider seeking help from a licensed therapist or a domestic violence hotline. They can provide guidance on how to navigate this complex situation safely.

Remorse vs. Guilt After Infidelity: Identify Your Negative Emotion

Guilt and remorse might seem similar on the surface, and they’re both normal emotions. Yet, they can lead to vastly different outcomes in your healing journey and the future of your relationship.

Remorse stems from genuine empathy for the pain you’ve caused your partner. It involves a deep sense of regret and a true understanding of the impact of your actions. When you feel remorse, you’re focused on your partner’s hurt and are motivated to make amends.

Young man feeling anxious and nervous biting nails

On the other hand, cheaters’ guilt is more self-centered. It’s the anxiety and distress you feel about betraying your partner’s trust and violating your own moral code.

Which is closer to what you’re feeling right now?

Keep in mind that guilt with a lack of remorse might not prevent repeated infidelity; you might simply try harder to hide it next time. Remorse, however, often leads to genuine change and a commitment to avoiding similar mistakes.

If you’re truly remorseful and want to save your relationship, it’s essential to communicate openly with your partner. Acknowledge the pain you’ve caused, validate their emotions, and be prepared for a range of reactions.

Odds are, your discomfort in confessing pales in comparison to your partner’s pain.

What to Do After Overcoming Your Feelings of Guilt

After working through your guilt and taking steps to address the aftermath of your infidelity, you need to maintain your progress.

Regularly check in with yourself to ensure you’re implementing the lessons learned from this experience.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a forgiving partner, focus your energy on rebuilding the trust with open communication, therapy, and lots of quality time.

And if things don’t work out? Resist the urge to define yourself by this mistake. 

Sure, you’ll have a hard time after the breakup. But you can use this experience as a catalyst for positive change. This way, you can build a healthy relationship with someone else when you’re ready to jump back into the dating pool.

Overcoming the feeling of guilt after cheating is a challenging journey, but it’s one that can lead to profound personal growth and stronger relationships. The key is to be transparent while working on building your self-awareness.

Do you think you’re ready to break free from the cycle of guilt?