What does it mean to be a “real man” in today’s world?
Ask around, and you might get two starkly different answers.
One paints a picture of a tough, emotionless “alpha male” who never backs down from a fight. The other describes a balanced individual who’s usually confident but not afraid to show vulnerability.
This internal struggle is the heart of the conversation about toxic masculinity vs. healthy masculinity. It’s a complex topic that affects all of us, influencing our relationships, mental health, and overall well-being.
Whether you’re grappling with these issues yourself or trying to understand the men in your life better, this article may shed some light on the matter.
Let’s explore what “toxic” and “healthy” mean in the context of masculinity, how they impact our lives, and how we can cultivate a more fulfilling sense of manhood.
Toxic Masculinity at a Glance
For the most part, when people say “toxic masculinity,” they’re referring to a set of cultural norms and behaviors that promote a narrow, potentially harmful view of masculinity. The term is often used to criticize the Red Pill community, too.
It’s important to note that this term isn’t an attack on men or masculinity itself, but rather on specific behaviors that can be damaging to men and those around them.
Typically, this “toxic” form of masculine identity pressures men to conform to stereotypes. Think emotional repression, dominance, aggression, and the devaluation of traits perceived as “feminine.” In fact, we could go as far as saying that the core tenets of toxic masculinity are:
- Toughness to the point of emotional stoicism
- General anti-femininity
- An insatiable hunger for power/status
It’s crucial to understand that exhibiting some of these behaviors doesn’t actually make someone a bad person. After all, many of us have been influenced by these societal expectations.
The key is to recognize when these behaviors are harmful and then work towards healthier alternatives.
Healthy, Positive Masculinity at a Glance
Now, let’s flip the script.
Healthy masculinity recognizes that strength comes in many forms, including emotional intelligence, empathy, and the courage to be vulnerable.
Positive masculinity encourages men to accept their bodies, even if they don’t fit the chiseled ideal portrayed in the media.
It also promotes treating others with kindness and respect. That’s why men embracing healthy masculinity could become advocates for equality, using their privilege to uplift others rather than dominate them.
More importantly, healthy masculinity values creating over destroying, nurturing friendships, and being emotionally available in relationships, both romantic and platonic.
Toxic Masculinity vs. Healthy Masculinity: An In-Depth Comparison
Let’s explore five differences between the toxic and healthy forms of masculinity.
1. Comfort With Emotional Expression
Toxic Take: “Real men don’t cry!”
Ever had someone tell you to “Man up!” when you were feeling down? That might just be toxic masculinity in action.
Of course, it’s perfectly okay to be calm and selective about when and where you decide to show vulnerability. That said, things start going wrong when men who were socialized with this sort of mindset struggle to express emotions other than anger.
That’s because toxic masculinity often stifles emotional expression, promoting the idea that a “real man” doesn’t show vulnerability. As a result, some men might resort to violence as a means of conflict resolution.
Furthermore, bottling up emotions can impede a guy’s relationships and put a strain on both his mental and physical health. Sadly, men are about 3.85 times more likely to die from suicide.
Healthy Approach: “It’s okay to have feelings (and talk about them).”
In contrast, healthy masculinity encourages men to embrace a full range of emotions.
It allows men to cry without shame, express love/affection openly, and acknowledge feelings like anxiety or sadness. This approach can foster stronger relationships and more effective communication.
So, if you’re going by healthy masculinity’s views, you’d know that shedding a tear during a sad movie doesn’t make you any less of a man. A guy who embraces toxic masculinity, however, is less likely to share this view.
2. Willingness to Seek Help
Toxic Take: “I can handle things myself and will never need any help.”
Perhaps one of the most damaging aspects of toxic masculinity is its glorification of self-reliance.
Yes, self-reliance is a good trait. Self-reliance to the point of neglecting one’s own physical and mental health, though? No one wants that.
For reference, one study found that macho men (or guys who hold strong traditional masculine beliefs) were half as likely to seek preventative health care.
As you might have expected, the “tough it out” line of thought can also keep them from seeking mental health treatment.
Healthy Approach: “It’s courageous to ask for support whenever you need it.”
Healthy masculinity, on the other hand, recognizes the importance of seeking help when needed. It actually views asking for assistance as a sign of strength and self-awareness rather than weakness.
3. Tolerance of Others’ Behaviors
Toxic Take: “That’s not manly enough!”
One of the core tenets of toxic masculinity is a rejection of anything perceived as even remotely feminine.
Naturally, this anti-femininity stance can lead to misogynistic attitudes, where femininity is seen as inherently inferior. This might involve bullying or social exclusion of those who don’t conform to traditional masculinity stereotypes.
But the harm doesn’t end here.
This aspect of toxic masculinity can also lead to self-policing, where a guy might avoid certain activities or interests for fear of being perceived as less masculine. That’s exactly how you end up with guys who suppress parts of themselves just to fit in.
Healthy Approach: “You do you, man.”
Under healthy masculinity, men don’t feel threatened by others’ choices or feel the need to prove their own masculinity by putting others down.
Instead, they understand that enjoying traditionally feminine activities doesn’t diminish their manhood and are comfortable exploring a wide range of interests without fear of judgment.
This aspect can make indulging in self-care (which is great for getting over tough breakups) much easier.
Plus, it’s good to acknowledge there’s no one “right” way to be a man. So, why not accept that your buddy’s love for rom-coms doesn’t make him any less masculine?
4. Views on Dominance
Toxic Take: “It’s my way or the highway.”
Toxic masculinity often equates manhood with dominance and control. This can manifest in various ways, from attempting to exert power in romantic relationships to bullying in social and professional settings.
Healthy Approach: “Let’s work together.”
Healthy masculinity understands that true strength isn’t about dominating others. It’s about collaboration, mutual respect, and lifting others.
5. Gender Hyper Performance
Toxic Take: “I need to prove I’m a real man.”
Believe it or not, toxic masculinity can lead to constant performative behaviors. It’s like being stuck in a never-ending game of “Who’s the Manliest?” This is a great way to become chronically stressed.
Healthy Approach: “I’m comfortable being myself.”
A well-balanced man knows very well that his worth isn’t determined by how well he conforms to the societal expectations of masculinity.
Simply put, he doesn’t have to put on a show 24/7. And he definitely doesn’t have to make a fuss about how everything he does is manly. Instead, he just enjoys life in a relaxed way, free from the constant pressure to “prove” one’s manhood.
5 Steps Towards Healthy Masculinity
Not a fan of toxic masculinity? Here are some practical tips that you can implement starting today:
- Practice Emotional Awareness: Set aside time each day to check in with your emotions. Try journaling or using a mood-tracking app to better understand and express your feelings.
- Cultivate Empathy: Practice active listening in all your relationships. Try to understand others’ points of view without immediately offering solutions or judgments.
- Seek Support: Identify a trusted friend, family member, or professional counselor you can talk to about your feelings and struggles.
- Challenge Stereotypes: Notice when you’re making judgments based on stereotypes. Actively question these thoughts and consider a few alternative perspectives.
- Be Bold: Know the difference between being bold and being pushy, then choose the former.
- Be a Positive Role Model: Show boys and young men that it’s okay to break out of the mold.
Final Thoughts
Toxic masculinity can be a restrictive playbook for “being a man.” It glorifies dominance, aggression, and emotional suppression, often at the cost of men’s mental health and well-being.
But that’s not the only option a guy has. And you don’t have to do a full 180° shift from “Tough Guy” to “Nice Guy.”
By being authentically ourselves, we can break free from the constraints of toxic masculinity. The future of masculinity is bright, and it starts with each of us making conscious choices every day!
Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.