Ahh, the age old question. Why do women seem to fall for jerks? Why do “bad boys” have all the fun? Why do women like assholes?
Well, the short answer is: They don’t.
Let’s get that out of the way.
Women don’t actually like assholes. They don’t want assholes and they don’t seek out assholes. Most women just want a MAN. A man with a spine and a set of balls.
Unfortunately, many men today are soft and weak. They are approval-seeking, people-pleasing Nice Guys who can’t figure out why women don’t like them.
Women don’t always act in their own best interest. And while they don’t go looking for assholes, they often find themselves attracted to assholes.
Because assholes (and bad boys and jerks) often have the characteristics that women find attractive. Assholes tend to exude strength, confidence, and masculinity. Assholes are more honest. Assholes create tension. Assholes embrace their sexuality And assholes aren’t needy.
Let’s take a closer look at why women seem to like assholes (and not Nice Guys).
WOMEN ARE SECURITY-SEEKING CREATURES
Throughout our evolutionary history, women have been exceedingly – and horrifyingly – vulnerable. Generally speaking, women are physically smaller and weaker. They carry babies and often have children around them. Women have never felt safe walking this planet.
In tribal times, women looked to men to be their providers and protectors. They relied on the tribe for physical and emotional security.
Of course, times have changed.
Women today can adequately take care of their own needs in society. They live on their own. They succeed on their own. They thrive on their own. They kick ass on their own. They don’t actually need men.
Still, Mother Nature wired women to turn to men to be their primary security system. And you can’t really argue with Mother Nature. Whether they know it or not, most women today are seeking emotional security from men (more so than financial security).
Sadly, most women have been repeatedly let down by men in their lives. This pattern often began with their fathers and continued to play out in their relationships with passive, unavailable, or abusive men. Women will often attempt to take the lead in relationships because they believe it’s all they can do to feel safe, which can make them seem moody, controlling, and angry.
Women feel best when they feel safe and secure – and for the Feminine, emotional security is often a fleeting experience. Let this sink in. Knowing this can bring you into higher consciousness.
Consider this: When you are in the presence of a woman (particularly your partner, girlfriend, or spouse), and you are anxious, passive, weak, and constantly seeking the approval of others, how do you think the woman feels around you?
Do you think she feels safe and secure?
Remember: women are security-seeking creatures.
PRO TIP: The next time you find yourself arguing with your woman – or any woman – because she is behaving in a way you don’t understand, pause and ask yourself: Am I behaving in a way that makes her feel secure? There’s a good chance you’re not. And there’s a good chance she’s behaving the way she is because her sense of security has been threatened.
ASSHOLES EXUDE STRENGTH, CONFIDENCE, & MASCULINITY
Because women are security-seeking creatures, they want men who are strong, confident, and masculine. And assholes tend to exude these qualities.
Again, most women want a man with a spine and a set of balls.
The asshole will approach a woman with a confident smirk and introduce himself. The Nice Guy will ogle her from the corner and fantasize about what it would be like to approach her.
The asshole will flirt with a woman. He will tease her, touch her, and say what’s on his mind. The Nice Guy will bend to her will.
The asshole sets boundaries, stands up for himself, and makes his needs a priority. The Nice Guy does none of these things.
Men who have Nice Guy Syndrome are generally timid and insecure around women. The put women up on pedestals. They’re terrified of doing or saying anything that might upset a woman. They hide parts of themselves – especially their sexuality. They are constantly seeking approval and validation.
Assholes may be assholes. But they make women feel something. Nice Guys don’t. In fact, Nice Guys are remarkably skilled at making women feel absolutely nothing. Women want to feel something.
There’s an evolutionary component to this as well. Research shows that during a menstrual cycle, women are even more attracted to men who exhibit strength and masculinity. Why? Because strength and masculinity suggest better quality genes. Women find this more attractive – even at an unconscious level – when they are most fertile because Mother Nature wired us to procreate.
Again, assholes, bad boys, and jerks exhibit the traits that feminine creatures are looking for (strength, confidence, and masculinity). If there’s one thing that separates the Bad Boy from the Nice Guy, it’s that Bad Boys aren’t completely weak around women.
So think about your interactions with women. Where are you exhibiting weakness? How can you exhibit more strength?
PRO TIP: If you’re ever in a predicament with a woman, ask yourself: What’s the strongest course of action here? Let’s say a woman you’re dating doesn’t respond to your text messages. The weakest course of action is to be anxious and needy and bombard her with more messages. The strongest course is to move on with your life and ignore her until she gets back to you.
ASSHOLES ARE MORE HONEST
Right now, you might be thinking: Assholes aren’t honest. Don’t they lie, cheat, and steal?
In some cases, yes. There are some terrible men out there. There are definitely some real assholes. Nevertheless, assholes – at least the kind of assholes we’re talking about – are more honest about their feelings, which makes them more attractive to women.
Nice Guys rarely tell the truth because they are too afraid. They hide parts of themselves. They withhold information. They say what they think other people want to hear. Nice Guys will do anything to avoid conflict.
Assholes, on the other hand, don’t hold back. They blurt things out. They stand up for themselves. They don’t care what other people think and they aren’t afraid of conflict.
An asshole will tell a woman exactly what he thinks.
Meanwhile, Nice Guys are always trying to figure out how to be or what to do to make women happy. But this isn’t actually nice. It’s manipulative and inauthentic, and it manifests in Nice Guys using covert contracts.
When a man is brutally honest with a woman, it shows her that he isn’t weak. It shows her that he isn’t afraid of her, and he’s willing to confront her about things he doesn’t like.
PRO TIP: Practice telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. As Dr. Robert Glover often says, “A woman can handle an uncomfortable truth, but she can’t handle being lied to.”
ASSHOLES CREATE TENSION
Call it what you want: tension, polarity, energy, push-pull, anxiety. Women need to feel these things to experience attraction. Women need to feel some degree of tension. Why do you think women love soap operas? Tension.
Let’s look at a classic scenario that exhibits why the Nice Guy will almost always lose out to the asshole:
A woman recently started dating two guys.
She calls the first guy and he doesn’t answer. So she starts thinking about him. She’s wondering what he’s doing. Wondering if he even likes her. Envisioning what it would be like to be with him. Fantasizing. Daydreaming. Wondering if he’s with another woman. Hoping he’s not. Where is he? When’s he going to call back?
Finally, around six hours later he calls back. They chat for a few minutes and then the man announces that he has to go.
The women then calls the second guy and he answers right away. They have a nice conversation that lasts nearly an hour.
Which man do you figure the woman is thinking about more?
Who created more tension? Who caused a stirring in her loins? Who do you think she’s more attracted to at this point?
You’re right if you said the first guy (even though the second guy might be healthier for her).
Again, women often go for assholes because they create tension. Assholes might be constantly unavailable. Assholes might lie or cheat. They might even be abusive. But this actually keeps women connected. It activates a woman’s biological programming. Kind of sad, but true.
As an example, my ex-girlfriend Katie is an absolutely amazing and beautiful woman. When we met, she had just gotten out of abusive relationship that she stayed in for 18 years Yes, 18 years! The guy is an absolute psycho – a real asshole – but the tension and the drama kept Katie hooked.
As you may have guessed, Nice Guys absolutely hate tension. They’ll do anything to kill it by people-pleasing and seeking approval, and by acting like puppy dogs.
Again, assholes make women feel something. Nice Guys don’t. Nice Guys are predictable and boring, and don’t do anything to create tension. Even if an asshole creates tension and makes a woman feel miserable, at least she feels something.
ASSHOLES EMBRACE THEIR SEXUALITY
Many men – particularly Nice Guys – don’t embrace their sexuality. Or they have sexual shame. But sex is a natural, wonderful part of being human. We are all sexual beings. Men like sex and women like sex.
Unfortunately, many men think women don’t like sex. Not to mention that many men are afraid of rejection or doing anything that might even slightly upset a women.
Men are often afraid to bring their sexual agenda to the table.
But repressing your sexuality and hiding your sexual agenda only gets you one thing – a one-way ticket to the Friend Zone.
This is why Nice Guys have less than satisfying sex lives while assholes seem to be having all the fun.
Nice Guys don’t embrace their sexuality.
Meanwhile, assholes celebrate the fact that they are sexual creatures who enjoy sex.
Assholes aren’t shy about their sexuality. Assholes flirt. They tease. They will make a conversation sexual to test for interest.
Women aren’t stupid. They know why we’re talking to them. So, why hide it?
This doesn’t mean you should be overtly offensive or assertive – especially with a woman you’ve just met. But when you hide your sexuality and act like a woman’s friend, you’re basically telling her that you don’t have the confidence to be a man, ask her out, and make a move to seduce her.
As Dr. Robert Glover likes to say, “Women don’t put men in the friend zone. Men put themselves there.”
Remember, women are attracted to strength and confidence. If you act like a woman’s girlfriend, you look weak. Period.
PRO TIP: Work at overcoming your sexual shame. Get comfortable with your sexuality. Practice bantering and flirting.
ASSHOLES AREN’T NEEDY
Bestselling author Mark Manson wrote, “Neediness is the root of all unattractive behavior. Neediness is when you prioritize what others think of you over what you think of yourself.”
Manson isn’t wrong. Neediness might just be the fastest way to turn someone off.
Nice Guys tend to be overwhelmingly needy. They are constantly seeking approval and validation. They’ll bend over backwards to make a woman happy. Part of this is due to their deprivation thinking. They see the world as a place of scarcity. They believe that if they are lucky enough to date an attractive woman, they must hold on to her for dear life because they will never meet another one.
Nice Guys will blow up a woman’s phone. Nice Guys will respond to a woman’s text immediately. Nice Guys will rearrange their schedules to be with a woman. Nice Guys will buy a woman gifts, run a woman’s errands, and do a woman favors just to win her affection.
Assholes don’t do any of that.
Assholes don’t need anyone’s approval or validation. Assholes don’t bend over backwards to make women happy.
Assholes see the world as a place of abundance. They know that if it doesn’t work out with one woman, there are billions of other women out there.
Assholes don’t make themselves constantly available. Assholes don’t bent to a woman’s will.
The bottom line: Assholes aren’t needy. They have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Assholes are the opposite of needy: They are indifferent. And when it comes to attraction, indifference makes all the difference.
PRO TIP: Drop the needy behavior. Start focusing on yourself and creating what Dr. Robert Glover calls a “great cake of a life.” Spend time with your guy friends, immerse yourself in your hobbies and passions, make your needs a priority. Invite a woman to be the icing on your great cake. Work at seeing the world more abundantly.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE AN ASSHOLE
This is where you must try to let go of your black-and-white thinking, which is a common trait amongst Nice Guys.
You do not have to go from one extreme to the other. You do not have to go from approval-seeking Nice Guy to raging dickhead.
You don’t have to be an asshole.
Again, women aren’t actually looking for assholes. Women are looking for men.
The opposite of a Nice Guy is not an asshole. The opposite of a Nice Guy is an Integrated Man.
It will serve you well to go through life as a decent human being. But you should work to become an Integrated Man. You can be a good person and still:
- Have confidence
- Exhibit strength and masculinity
- Be honest and transparent
- Embrace your sexuality
- Make your needs a priority
- Stand up for yourself
- Remain mysterious and unpredictable
- Set boundaries
- Bring your sexual agenda to the table
- Banter and flirt with women
- Have a take-it-or-leave it attitude
These are the traits that make assholes attractive to women. You can adopt these traits without actually being an asshole.
Work at become an Integrated Man, and see what unfolds.
Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, entrepreneur, certified transformational life coach, certified No More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and the founder of The Integrated Man Cave.